Readers of
my stories often compare me with my characters. Many of them actually insist
that the main protagonist of Dragons Attendants, Victoria, is me, shoved into
the story. I will have to thank these people for the compliment and humbly disagree
with them. My protagonists are nowhere near me, but I do wish I was like them.
Their determination, strength, morals, wit, are things I wish I could perfect
in my own self. Zero, Victoria and Alduin are the main characters that I try to
perfect in the way I believe they should be in the story. By perfect, I don’t
mean that they are perfect human beings, since in many occasions they make mistakes
and are not inherently bad or good (much like any person), but that they are
the way I want a protagonist to be in a fantasy story. That being said, I am not
my characters.
As a person,
I like to bring myself down constantly, in fear of others bringing me down on
their own. That way, when I am faced with a failure in life, I am already standing
at the bottom of the pit and there is no need for me to fall down. I love learning,
I love getting better, but constantly remind myself that I am not good enough,
that I should do more and more and more, till all my time is ‘’used
meaningfully’’. When someone praises me, I feel discomfort, I fear that I will
fail them the next second, that I have to seem ‘’perfect’’ in their eyes from
now on. Even though the stress of becoming better gnaws on my brain day in, day
out, procrastination, and low self-esteem bring me down and hold be back and I
can count many things I wanted to see from myself, but fail in making them
happen. It is very common for the most of us and it is my own personal piece of
darkness.
I wish I
was my characters. I wish I had the power, the determination to move forward
and make the best of any situation, not dwelling in my mistakes. I am NOT my
characters, but I sure wish I could be.
C.T.K.
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